New House, New Start, Still Broken

Hey everyone,

I hope you are all well, let me know what you’ve all been up to! Sorry I haven’t been around for a while I was just getting back into blogging when all of a sudden we were swept up into the whirlwind of life!

So me and my partner have recently moved into a bungalow to help me with my mobility, we applied to the council house list to see if I could get some extra support and low and behold I did! I will be forever grateful for the fact that we have a wonderful bungalow to call our own!

I say it was a whirlwind and I literally mean it we got told a house was available on the Thursday at 5pm went to view it on the Friday at 9am and collected the keys the same Friday at 4pm it all happened in 24 hours…absolutely crazy!

With the help of our friends and family we managed to move into the house within 3 weeks the house needed a lot of love and a lot of love it has had its now a home instead of a house!As you guys can imagine it was a difficult time for me I was so excited to get into the house that I powered through my pain and pushed myself to breaking point to make sure we moved in on the date that we wanted to and not a day late!

Do not follow in my footsteps it ruined me for a couple of weeks after my mental health hit a low and I was crying nearly every day because I convinced myself ross wouldn’t like living with me and that it would be really difficult to live in our own house. I was doing a lot of unnecessary worrying and panicking which in turn made all my conditions worse, we spent so long at the house one day painting that I physically couldn’t lift my legs to walk up the stairs (that was deffo a low point for me).

So that happened but I’m happy (I think)! Over the past few days I’ve struggled with my mental health a lot, I think the worst bit for me is that I literally feel like at this moment I have everything I could have ever wanted and I still feel empty. I still feel like I don’t deserve the things I have that I deserve to suffer with my illnesses because I clearly pissed someone off in a previous life. I don’t know if anyone else gets this or feels like this but I’d love to know if anyone relates?

I find that I’m more self deprecating when I struggle with my conditions mainly because I don’t know a sensible way to deal with it. So I just laugh and make jokes, a few weeks ago I took an accidental overdose (promise it was completely accidental) and whilst on the phone to 111 I was laughing at myself even though it could have had really serious repercussions I just couldn’t stop laughing!

Basically fibro fog sucks and I took all of my days worth of tablets in one go (not a good idea made me feel awful for 4 days after). Trying to explain to a paramedic afterwards what had happened was so hard I burst into tears! He literally heard the word depression so assumed I’d done it on purpose and wouldn’t listen when I said it was a complete accident! Yes I have depression, yes I have sometimes thought about those sorts of things as I’ve mentioned in previous posts but no I didn’t do it for those reasons.

Sometimes I just feel like people hear the diagnosis and don’t see the person…it makes me sad that to most I am my disability and only to those close to me am I a human being with feelings!

Sorry this blog has been a mixed bag of ramblings I’d love to connect with people more that read my blog, drop a comment and I’ll chat, send me a message on any of my social media please use me as a support network I need support as much as you guys do!

My unconventionallynormal Instagram has been turned into a bookish page as that is my main hobby now so come and join me there to talk books and other fun things!

Thanks for reading my ramblings my readers and followers mean the world to me and I promise I will be posting more on here

Signing off for now

Scarlett x

Picture of my gorg bookshelf because it makes me happy

3 Comments Add yours

  1. My low’s seem to coincide with my pain also. You are not alone there. It is hard for my partner sometimes because he wants to fix things. This is not something he can fix. It is something I need him to just support our journey through the ups and downs. I am seeing a therapist weekly now. It is difficult to keep going but it has helped me. One thing that I try to remind myself is that My best on some days will not match my best from the day before. And that is okay. As long as I keep striving for my best each day. (sometimes my best is just getting to the bathroom on my own, or reading a book to my kids) Good luck to you and yours!

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    1. Awh thank you so much for commenting! I relate to your comment sooooo much about people wanting to help but sometimes they just can’t! Locking yourself in the bathroom sounds like the best idea! My ears are always open if you ever need someone to vent to lovely!x

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  2. Kelly says:

    I totally know what you mean about people only hearing the diagnosis and not seeing the person. Sometimes, when someone finds out I have anxiety, they patronise me and talk down to me as though I’m not capable of understanding anything. Suddenly, all I am is my anxiety. And I’ve had a GP tell me one of my pain conditions was a symptom of my anxiety because they couldn’t see past that. It’s utterly invalidating. We’re human beings who just happen to have an illness (or a few!) and we deserve to be treated as such, especially by medical professionals. If they can’t do it, then what hope do we have for anyone else? It’s so completely natural to believe you’re not worthy of the good things in life, that you deserve to suffer. It’s easier said than believed, I know, but those thoughts are complete bullshit. You don’t deserve to suffer. It’s shit that this is the reality of it but there’s not a single part of you that deserves the crap of dealing with your illness(es) ❤️

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