Sorry I haven’t blogged for a while, I’ve had some things that I needed to overcome and deal with that at the time I needed to do 1) because I wanted to and 2) because I needed help. This in turn has meant I have spent a month or so away from my blogs but I’m back now and will be uploading once a month minimum!
So the first thing I had to deal with and rise above was self harm and my depression hitting rock bottom. I touched on this briefly in my last blog and mentioned I had considered it, well not long after I wrote that I continued to decline and ended up scratching the skin off of a section of my hand. And yes for those not in tune with self harm it’s not all about blades and how it looks on TV. I have only told those closest to me about this and for a good reason…I was petrified of being judged, being told off, being told I was stupid and worst of all I thought people would think I’d done it for attention (yes a lot of people still think that’s one of the reasons many people self harm…guess what?! It’s not so stop with the bullshit labels).
So I took a huge leap of faith for myself and also for my family and loved ones around me. Yep signed myself up for counselling, now to some that probably sounds like no big deal and I get that so people can talk easier than others. However I hate talking about my issues or how I’m feeling my first instinct is to cry and shut myself off from others and I realised that if I keep doing that not only would I make myself worse and potentially end up going further than self harm (and sorry to my family etc but that did cross my mind at one point) but I would also push Ross and my family away when I needed them most. So I put my big girl knickers on and thought “fuck it I’m done feeling like this and not putting my health first.” Here I am now 4 sessions in and I can make it through a whole session without crying and fully putting myself out there which I am so proud of myself for doing! (I will also add that my depression got so bad partly because doctors gave me diazepam and holy shit that stuff is the devil, that’s one off the list of meds never going in my mouth or body EVER again)
The next thing I had to chat to myself about was my social situation, I’ll tell you for why…I am so done putting all the effort in with those around me and getting NOTHING back! Like if you don’t want to be my friend or deal with my shit, TELL ME don’t just sit there and act like you pity me or feel sorry for me cause guess what?! I don’t need that in my life, I have enough shit to deal with on my own let alone your half arsed back stabbing friendship.
I’d rather have my 1 solid best friend and even though I haven’t known her long she is always straight there when I need her, when I self harmed she was the one I told, when I had to have some help going to the toilet and stuff at work she offered and I’m sure she’d offer to push me in a wheelchair if it came down to it! She is the nicest girl I have ever met and I will forever be grateful that our paths crossed and I made a friend for life! She’s got a no bullshit attitude and when I complain she doesn’t pity me she makes a joke out of it and I normally cry laugh and it makes everything better! Kristina you are an absolute rockstar to me I absolutely adore you and my life wouldn’t be the same if you hadn’t come to me when I needed you most so thank you girl!
As for the rest of you that can’t be arsed to respond to messages or can’t be bothered to message first that’s fine no loss on my behalf.
Another thing I’ve realised recently as well is how much I need and love my sister (I love and need all my family FYI) but bethany has been there for me over the past month like a big sister from a storybook. She messaged me as soon as she read my last blog and told me day or night she’s there to call or text, she took me shopping twice during that time as well. It was exactly what I needed and we had a laugh and it was so special to me that during that time when I was going through the worst stage so far in my life, she was there for me when I needed her most. We haven’t always got on as well as sisters should but she looks after me, protects me and I know that when the time comes for her to push me in a wheelchair she’ll be using it like a go kart!
The final thing I’ve realised is, fuck negativity and negative people. If you have someone in your life that does nothing but hold you back or make snide shitty little comments about your life choices…BIN THEM! You do you and live your best life, wear that tight dress, tell the person you’re crushing on you like them, bin that friend you don’t need them, you can’t live your life on what ifs and always saying no! Take those chances and shine as bright as you can yes not everyone will like you but that’s fine because that’s their issue and some people won’t like them either. The world isn’t perfect, you’re not perfect so don’t try to be someone you’re not just to please others around you, love and embrace your imperfections people will love and support you for being true to yourself!
Signing off for now