It’s okay not to be okay

Hi everyone,

I hope you're all doing well and enjoying the week so far. I had my cardiology appointment this week and I'll be honest with everything combined I am struggling! I am struggling to keep up my “happy” appearance and I really just want to bury my head in the sand and forget all about it.

Ever since May when my heart conditions started I have been constantly exhausted, emotionally and physically, I feel like I have no “get up and go” no energy and I just want to hide away from everyone. My anxiety has hit an all time low and so has my depression.

Yes okay I look happy at work and I will always slap a smile on my face and get on (I'm stubborn and do not like to acknowledge that I need help) however behind closed doors it's a completely different story. I have sat and cried I think near enough every day this week for varying reasons, I feel so alone even though I have Ross and Ashleigh and Kat and Leanne but I feel like there is this constant rain cloud above my head and I can't shake it.

This is something that is really hard for me to open up about as I keep this very much to myself, I have been suffering in silence over the past few months as I haven't wanted to accept in my head that it is getting worse. It almost in a way makes me feel weak that I now have to take these tablets again to feel how I should naturally feel again.

It is so much easier to deal with once you have opened up to someone I have had 3 conversations about it today, one with Ross, one with Ashleigh and one with someone from work, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. You should never feel like you have to suffer in silence, just because your brain has decided it is going to work in a slightly different way too some others is nothing to be ashamed of!

There is such a stigma attached to mental health, body image, illnesses in general, it is utterly ridiculous….the fact that I look at myself in the mirror and it makes me cry sometimes just because I'm not a size 6 is bloody ridiculous. Just because I have to take tablets to help me get back to my normal self and just because I have a badge that means I don't have to struggle to walk as far as an able bodied person DOES NOT MAKE ME A LESSER MEMBER OF SOCIETY AND IT CERTAINLY DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO JUDGE ME.

I just felt like after the hospital yesterday I needed to get these things off my chest, speaking of the hospital. I got no answers, I have to have more tests done, a 7 day monitor off my beta blockers and then back to the hospital to see if I need specialist help. Not what I was hoping for but I need to look for the rainbow at the end of the storm and realise that actually we are moving in a better direction and I will get my answers eventually.

I am going to sign off for now, I'm sorry this might be hard hitting for some of my readers however I have vouched to be honest and to let you see how this affects my daily life. I would love to know what you think so let me know, my social links are at the bottom of my page!

Signing off for now,

Scarlett x

2 thoughts on “It’s okay not to be okay

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